Everyday, we hear too many things sweetly calling our name to pay attention to. I used to be almost immune to these whispers when I was younger. I wouldn't allow myself to fall into a trap that I know ended up with no satisfaction and guarenteed emptiness. Part of me says it is because nothing else was in my view of sight except for the one thing that satisfies, Jesus.
All of a sudden I got married and I found myself comparing what I looked like, where I lived, what I was doing with my life to people who I had no relation to. "My hair is so limp. Will my skin every clear up? Is this scale broken or something, because there is not way I gained that much weight since High School." I have NEVER EVER had issues with my self-esteem. I found myself browsing through other peoples Instagram for hours which a huge rock of guilt in my stomach. It was/is truly addicting. Trey and I did a social media fast about a month of two ago. I've done many of these before, but each one for different reasons. The first couple of days are fantastic as usual and you actually start to see the world around you. I found out that me comparing myself to others had everything to do with marriage. I thought I needed to prove that I was worthy of being married at such a young age. If I didn't look the part, then I must failing at my marriage. (I know stupid right) I was in a trench where everywhere I looked, there was a distorted mirror of my life. And no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get to the other side where I thought satisfaction was.
I wish I could say there was a crazy turning point where I told God I was DONE trying and had a crazy emotional breakdown. But there wasn't. Everything lately has been slow, yet steady at the same time. I stay in the trench, but also watch my Father clean up the surroundings. He washes the mirrors, plants trees in the mud and then sits with me. I talk with him then I find myself saying, "Let me just try one more time." And always I slide right back down to the bottom where he is waiting there patiently for me. Sometimes we laugh at the fact that I even tried, but sometimes I cry and he takes me around to those mirrors and shows me the great things about me.
Some of those mirrors are still distorted in my eyes, but I see changes happening and that's progress.
